People pleasing. A phrase and state of being I have come to loathe. One that is unpleasant most if not all of the time for the pleaser, pretty sweet for the pleasee. Sadly no 12-step meetings for this one, although there certainly should be. Hi, my name is ___________, and I'm a people pleaser. Hi _______________.
This is the first of what will probably be many reflections regarding this nasty personality trait. A craft whose road I have traveled from apprentice to journeyman to master. So ingrained in this art have I become that sadly I realized it's the driving force behind most of my choices. Every word that I say to every person that I say it. Every position on every issue tailored so as not to offend the person I'm speaking to. It can creep into personal choices: what will I wear, what will I eat, what car will I buy, what books will I read, what music will I listen to? Until the wonderful me that I am and how God uniquely wired me together is so obscured by taking the path of least resistance that I am unrecognizable. It's utterly exhausting and comprehensively soul-killing!
So where did this ugly placating start? Childhood I would imagine. Be pleasant or be ignored - even worse, be disliked. When the personal security question of "Am I Okay?" isn't answered and reinforced through normal childhood channels (parents, responses from those in authority, etc.), one frantically starts asking for that reassurance from everyone she meets. Needy? And how. People pleasing in its simplest form. Validation turned to fear. Okay, enough deconstructing for the moment.
The farther I travel down this road to know and love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, the more I realize the size of this malignancy. As is most obviously the case, one cannot endeavor to love and please God when the foundation her life is built upon shifts according to the whims of the surrounding world's likes and dislikes. If I want to stand for truth and foster integrity, I must be prepared to stay planted on God's truth. This will with certain inevitability lead to forks in the road. I must be willing to risk being disliked by people (shudder) in order to stick with the God who saved me.
Allow me to digress for the remainder of this post to a verse I received yesterday in an email from a friend. Thus began the long trek down this rabbit trail. What follows after it is my reply.
How is it possible for you to learn to believe, you who are content to seek and receive praise and honor and glory from one another, and yet do not seek the praise and honor and glory which come from Him who alone is God? (John 5:44)
Ahh, the bitter conundrum. (Well - maybe that's where my mental adjustment needs to start. Pleasing God not being bitter and all.) Back to my ponderings.
If I focus on pleasing God, a safe bet says I'd be more pleasing at least to believers - which I have found not always to be the case (believer being a subjective state). If I focus on pleasing God, then unbelievers, unfortunately (especially when it invites them to consider a personal wrongdoing), are not at all pleased with me. After chewing on this for some time this afternoon, I have landed on the element of inverted thinking. When I think of people as big then I am thinking of God as small. When I think of God as big then people occupy their rightful place in my mind. So I ruminated on Psalm 56 and came to the conclusion that in the words of the infamous Prince - "Who do ya trust if you can't trust God?" Who is going to provide for me? People or God. Who is going to vindicate me on judgment day? People or God. Who came to earth and died for my sins? People or God . . . . and so it all ultimately comes back to trust. Ruthless trust Brennan Manning would say.
Verse for the Day
Psalm 56:4 (NIV)
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
This is the first of what will probably be many reflections regarding this nasty personality trait. A craft whose road I have traveled from apprentice to journeyman to master. So ingrained in this art have I become that sadly I realized it's the driving force behind most of my choices. Every word that I say to every person that I say it. Every position on every issue tailored so as not to offend the person I'm speaking to. It can creep into personal choices: what will I wear, what will I eat, what car will I buy, what books will I read, what music will I listen to? Until the wonderful me that I am and how God uniquely wired me together is so obscured by taking the path of least resistance that I am unrecognizable. It's utterly exhausting and comprehensively soul-killing!
So where did this ugly placating start? Childhood I would imagine. Be pleasant or be ignored - even worse, be disliked. When the personal security question of "Am I Okay?" isn't answered and reinforced through normal childhood channels (parents, responses from those in authority, etc.), one frantically starts asking for that reassurance from everyone she meets. Needy? And how. People pleasing in its simplest form. Validation turned to fear. Okay, enough deconstructing for the moment.
The farther I travel down this road to know and love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, the more I realize the size of this malignancy. As is most obviously the case, one cannot endeavor to love and please God when the foundation her life is built upon shifts according to the whims of the surrounding world's likes and dislikes. If I want to stand for truth and foster integrity, I must be prepared to stay planted on God's truth. This will with certain inevitability lead to forks in the road. I must be willing to risk being disliked by people (shudder) in order to stick with the God who saved me.
Allow me to digress for the remainder of this post to a verse I received yesterday in an email from a friend. Thus began the long trek down this rabbit trail. What follows after it is my reply.
How is it possible for you to learn to believe, you who are content to seek and receive praise and honor and glory from one another, and yet do not seek the praise and honor and glory which come from Him who alone is God? (John 5:44)
Ahh, the bitter conundrum. (Well - maybe that's where my mental adjustment needs to start. Pleasing God not being bitter and all.) Back to my ponderings.
If I focus on pleasing God, a safe bet says I'd be more pleasing at least to believers - which I have found not always to be the case (believer being a subjective state). If I focus on pleasing God, then unbelievers, unfortunately (especially when it invites them to consider a personal wrongdoing), are not at all pleased with me. After chewing on this for some time this afternoon, I have landed on the element of inverted thinking. When I think of people as big then I am thinking of God as small. When I think of God as big then people occupy their rightful place in my mind. So I ruminated on Psalm 56 and came to the conclusion that in the words of the infamous Prince - "Who do ya trust if you can't trust God?" Who is going to provide for me? People or God. Who is going to vindicate me on judgment day? People or God. Who came to earth and died for my sins? People or God . . . . and so it all ultimately comes back to trust. Ruthless trust Brennan Manning would say.
Verse for the Day
Psalm 56:4 (NIV)
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
1 comment:
I can only say I whole heartedly resemble everything you wrote here. I love the fact I am not alone and suffering from the same God stealing disfunction called "people pleaser". I didn't think there was anything wrong with it until I realized it shouldn't be "people" to whom I should be so concerned with pleasing, but God. However, in His clever way, pleasing God will please man...like you stated, maybe not everybody, but most. Praise the Lord for your transparency. You DO have a way with words! :-)
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